**So you’ve seen something worrying in a friend’s relationship? But now what?**

We know that it can be intimidating treading the fine line between opening a friend’s eyes and being worried about damaging your friendship. Self-doubt and fear are totally common when you you care about someone and want to do the right thing to help them.

That’s why, through the Your Best Friend project, we’ve been working with young people on the #FriendsCanTell campaign. You will see content across socials and on this page you'll find tips, trusted services who will support you when you need it, and a list of resources that you can share.

Watch the #FriendsCanTell film that YANA co-created with young people. In this film, two friends see a glimpse of what their friend’s relationship is really like and try to reach in to let her know the way she’s being treated is not OK.

Helping you help your friend

Where do you start? If you’re worried about a friend, unless your friend brings it up, it might mean you reaching in and asking if they’re ok. How do you do this though?

To begin with, try and talk to them in private and never challenge the person who is hurting your friend. Safelives ↗ has some tips on how to reach in to begin the conversation.

Once you both start talking, the conversation is likely to be sensitive. You can use our HEAR framework below to navigate this...(Of course, it’s also important that you both stay safe and if there is immediate danger, please call 999.)

Four steps to HEAR your friend

Scroll through the gallery below and

see how you can HEAR a friend

Step 1 - Have a heart

You can be a big help to your friend just by listening to what they want to say, showing that you believe them and showing that you care. Some of the things they say may shock you, especially if your friend seems tough or strong, or if you know the person who has been toxic or abusive. But remember that anybody can be abused or be abusive, no matter how they seem on the outside.

Why is this helpful? You might be the first person your friend has told and they may be feeling low, sad or angry because they are being bullied, hurt or controlled. By listening, you are giving your friend a safe space to speak and your caring response will help them to cope.

Step 2 - Encourage

Thank your friend for trusting you to tell their story. Let your friend know they’ve made a good decision to talk to someone. You may have a hundred questions and ideas for what your friend could do, but try not to push for more details or overwhelm them with suggestions. Make sure they know that you will never share their story with anyone without their permission, online or offline. (Of course, it’s also important that you both stay safe and if there is immediate danger, please call 999.)
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Why is this helpful? Many people don’t talk about experiencing toxic behaviour and abuse, and sometimes it's because they are afraid of being judged. Telling your friend they’ve done the right thing to talk can help to reduce this fear and encourage them to reach out for more support. And remember, no matter how angry you might feel, it isn’t safe or respectful to share your friend’s story without their consent...unless they are in immediate danger. Even if you change names, people may be able to put details together and identify your friend.

Step 3 - Affirm

Be clear with your friend that it's definitely not their fault that this is happening to them, and tell them that they are not responsible for another person’s behaviour. There is never an excuse for harmful, toxic or abusive behaviour in any relationship.

Why is this helpful? Your friend may be feeling like they are to blame because it's common for the person who is being abusive to blame the person they are hurting. As a result, your friend may have low self-esteem, anxiety and fears. By telling your friend that they have done nothing to cause the harm they have faced, you will help them to identify toxic and abusive behaviours and build their confidence to get help.

Step 4 - Respond

Whilst it can be hard to see your friend upset, if you try to persuade them to leave their partner, or pressure them, it can make things worse and they might stop trying to get help. Instead, ask them what support they need to ensure that they are safe. Let them know you will support them without judgement, and help to seek support if and when they want it. More than anything, stay in touch with your friend and be kind. Remind them they can reach out to you when they want and check in on them to make sure they're ok.

What else can you suggest they can they do?

Make a safety plan ↗ and you can help them if they want.
Block ↗ someone who is hassling them.
Get professional support through confidential 24-hour services like Childline ↗ and The Mix ↗. If you can, you could also offer to help them do this by sitting with them during a chat or call.
Ask them which adult they might be able to trust for a chat.

Why is this helpful? Just having a supportive friend can make all the difference. Your friend needs to know there is help, but they might not be ready for it (maybe they still love their partner or believe they will change.). Just looking through support options with your friend can be empowering and help them to make their own decisions.

Click to the next slide to see some useful links too...

Some useful links for you

The Good Friend Guide ↗ from Chayn breaks down advice in more detail, looking at what to do if your friend gets back with their ex or if they have children together.
Safelives ↗ has some tips on how to reach in to begin the conversation.
The Hideout ↗ has suggestions on some things to say or avoid and have more information about relationships on their website.
Here is some advice that was written by young people and professionals as part of our Draw The Line project ↗ (this works on mobile only at the moment). If you are not sure where to Draw The Line with behaviour in a relationship, you can go there to see what other young people think.

Supporting a friend in a toxic relationship can be upsetting and it's important to look after yourself too. The steps you see above are simple to understand but sometimes they can be hard to do – it can take a lot of energy to stick around when a friend is in a difficult situation.

Women and Girls Network have put together these great resources ↗on self-care which can give you some ideas on how to look after yourself. It’s so important to do so. And remember, if you feel you can't support your friend, then that’s okay too. You can tell them what you think you can realistically do and suggest another source of source of care and support.

Illustration of young person with hands on their hips looking strong

Don't forget to look after yourself too

Who can you and your friend turn to for support?

Remember, if you need to, you can seek confidential support without revealing who your friend is.

National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Refuge's National Domestic Abuse Helpline can be called for free 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. (It is for those over 16 years of age.)

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Live Fear Free Helpline

If you live in Wales and are 16+, you can contact the Live Fear Free Helpline on 0808 80 10 800) 24 hours a day 7 days a week, for free advice and support or to talk through your options.

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Women's Aid

Check out Women's Aid's trusted list of domestic abuse support services to help you find one that is best for you and your friend.

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Bright Sky

Bright Sky is here for anyone in an abusive relationship. Check out their directory of services to find local and national support for you or your friend.

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Childline

Get help and advice about a wide range of issues, call us on 0800 1111, talk to a counsellor online, send Childline an email or post on the message boards.

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The Mix

The Mix is the UK’s leading support service for young people. Talk to them via their online community, on social, or through their free, confidential helpline or our counselling service.

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Shout 85258

Shout 85258 is the UK's first free, confidential, 24/7 text support service. It's a place to go if you're struggling to cope and need mental health support.

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Muslim Youth Helpline

Muslim Youth Helpline is a national helpline in the UK providing free and confidential faith and culturally sensitive support services.

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Galop

Their helpline is for LGBT+ people who have or are experiencing domestic abuse or for people supporting a survivor of domestic abuse; friends, families and those working with a survivor.

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999

Call the police on 999 if there’s an emergency. If your friend doesn't want to report things to the police and it's not an emergency, the domestic abuse services above can give information and support on that.

Have you seen the #FriendsCanTell content or used the resources on this page?

Your feedback is crucial to us improving our resources so that more friends can help their friends. Would you mind taking a couple of minutes to answer some questions, please? Let us know if our resources have helped in improving your understanding of toxic relationships and if they've made you feel more confident about talking to a friend.

An illustration of two friends supporting each other. One has her hand on the other's shoulder, and her other arm is raised in solidarity. The friend they are supporting has their hands on their hip in defiance.

TAKE THE SHORT SURVEY ↗

Use the #FriendsCanTell content

We've made all our content with young people and we want you to take it, use it, and get it front of more young people

Social media content co-created with young people

You can use any of the content in here on your social media. It's currently for Instagram but you can repurpose it for other platforms.

Download

Campaign pack for the #FriendsCanTell campaign

Want a nice easy campaign pack so that you can promote the campaign? Here you go...

Download

Content for offline campaigning and an awareness film

We'll soon be releasing content you can use offline in your campaigning. Stay tuned and to get notified sign up to the mailing list at the bottom of this page...

Sign up to mailing list

Every time we typed something in this guidance, or found another link to add, or posted on Instagram, we were thinking of you and how much we wanted to help you. Whoever you are, wherever you are, even if we don’t know you by name – you aren’t in this alone.

Illustration of young person throwing arm in air to show they're there to support a friend

And please know, before you go...

Join us on this mission...

If you want to help us spread the word, you can download our resources and campaign pack above, and use them in any way you want. You can also join our movement below - we'll send you helpful information to help your friend, and quick tasks that you can do to get this information out to wherever girls, young women and non-binary people they spend their time (online or offline).

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