We know that it can be intimidating treading the fine line between opening a friend’s eyes and being worried about damaging your friendship. Self-doubt and fear are totally common when want to do the right thing to help someone you care about.

To help you work it out, we've put this together this guide. It shows you what options you have and what could happen in each scenario. We hope it helps you think through the best way to to help your friend in the way you know them.

Time to step in?

Taking the first steps

You've seen a red flag in your friend's relationship.
What do you want to do?

Say you've noticed a behaviour and ask your friend how they feel

What could happen?

Say that their partner is toxic or showing red flags

What could happen?

Don’t say or do anything

What could happen?

Taking the next step

You've asked your friend about their relationship in a kind and supportive way. What happens next?

Your friend isn't ready to talk about the relationship

What could happen?

Your friend tells you what support they need

What could happen?

Thinking about the long term

You've tried to support your friend for a while.
What happens next?

Your friend stays in the relationship and continues to experience toxic behaviours

What could happen?

Your friend leaves the relationship but continues to experience toxic behaviours after the break up

What could happen?

Your friend leaves the relationship and starts to cope with the feelings from it

What could happen?

Four steps to HEAR
your friend

Scroll through the gallery below and

see how you can HEAR a friend

Step 1 - Have a heart

You can be a big help to your friend just by listening to what they want to say, showing that you believe them and showing that you care. Some of the things they say may shock you, especially if your friend seems tough or strong, or if you know the person who has been toxic or abusive. But remember that anybody can be abused or be abusive, no matter how they seem on the outside.

Why is this helpful? You might be the first person your friend has told and they may be feeling low, sad or angry because they are being bullied, hurt or controlled. By listening, you are giving your friend a safe space to speak and your caring response will help them to cope.

Step 2 - Encourage

Thank your friend for trusting you to tell their story. Let your friend know they’ve made a good decision to talk to someone. You may have a hundred questions and ideas for what your friend could do, but try not to push for more details or overwhelm them with suggestions. Make sure they know that you will never share their story with anyone without their permission, online or offline. (Of course, it’s also important that you both stay safe and if there is immediate danger, please call 999.)
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Why is this helpful? Many people don’t talk about experiencing toxic behaviour and abuse, and sometimes it's because they are afraid of being judged. Telling your friend they’ve done the right thing to talk can help to reduce this fear and encourage them to reach out for more support. And remember, no matter how angry you might feel, it isn’t safe or respectful to share your friend’s story without their consent...unless they are in immediate danger. Even if you change names, people may be able to put details together and identify your friend.

Step 3 - Affirm

Be clear with your friend that it's definitely not their fault that this is happening to them, and tell them that they are not responsible for another person’s behaviour. There is never an excuse for harmful, toxic or abusive behaviour in any relationship.

Why is this helpful? Your friend may be feeling like they are to blame because it's common for the person who is being abusive to blame the person they are hurting. As a result, your friend may have low self-esteem, anxiety and fears. By telling your friend that they have done nothing to cause the harm they have faced, you will help them to identify toxic and abusive behaviours and build their confidence to get help.

Step 4 - Respond

Whilst it can be hard to see your friend upset, if you try to persuade them to leave their partner, or pressure them, it can make things worse and they might stop trying to get help. Instead, ask them what support they need to ensure that they are safe. Let them know you will support them without judgement, and help to seek support if and when they want it. More than anything, stay in touch with your friend and be kind. Remind them they can reach out to you when they want and check in on them to make sure they're ok.

What else can you suggest they can they do?

Make a safety plan ↗ and you can help them if they want.
Block ↗ someone who is hassling them.
Get professional support through confidential 24-hour services like Childline ↗ and The Mix ↗. If you can, you could also offer to help them do this by sitting with them during a chat or call.
Ask them which adult they might be able to trust for a chat.

Why is this helpful? Just having a supportive friend can make all the difference. Your friend needs to know there is help, but they might not be ready for it (maybe they still love their partner or believe they will change.). Just looking through support options with your friend can be empowering and help them to make their own decisions.

Click to the next slide to see some useful links too...

Some useful links for you

The Good Friend Guide ↗ from Chayn breaks down advice in more detail, looking at what to do if your friend gets back with their ex or if they have children together.
Safelives ↗ has some tips on how to reach in to begin the conversation.
The Hideout ↗ has suggestions on some things to say or avoid and have more information about relationships on their website.
Here is some advice that was written by young people and professionals as part of our Draw The Line project ↗ (this works on mobile only at the moment). If you are not sure where to Draw The Line with behaviour in a relationship, you can go there to see what other young people think.

Supporting a friend in a toxic relationship can be upsetting and it's important to look after yourself too. The steps you see above are simple to understand but sometimes they can be hard to do – it can take a lot of energy to stick around when a friend is in a difficult situation.

Women and Girls Network have put together these great resources ↗on self-care which can give you some ideas on how to look after yourself. It’s so important to do so. And remember, if you feel you can't support your friend, then that’s okay too. You can tell them what you think you can realistically do and suggest another source of source of care and support.

Illustration of young person with hands on their hips looking strong

Don't forget to look after yourself too

Who can you and your friend turn to for support?

Remember, if you need to, you can seek confidential support without revealing who your friend is.

National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Refuge's National Domestic Abuse Helpline can be called for free 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247. (It is for those over 16 years of age.)

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Live Fear Free Helpline

If you live in Wales and are 16+, you can contact the Live Fear Free Helpline on 0808 80 10 800) 24 hours a day 7 days a week, for free advice and support or to talk through your options.

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Women's Aid

Check out Women's Aid's trusted list of domestic abuse support services to help you find one that is best for you and your friend.

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Bright Sky

Bright Sky is here for anyone in an abusive relationship. Check out their directory of services to find local and national support for you or your friend.

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Childline

Get help and advice about a wide range of issues, call us on 0800 1111, talk to a counsellor online, send Childline an email or post on the message boards.

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The Mix

The Mix is the UK’s leading support service for young people. Talk to them via their online community, on social, or through their free, confidential helpline or our counselling service.

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Shout 85258

Shout 85258 is the UK's first free, confidential, 24/7 text support service. It's a place to go if you're struggling to cope and need mental health support.

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Muslim Youth Helpline

Muslim Youth Helpline is a national helpline in the UK providing free and confidential faith and culturally sensitive support services.

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Galop

Their helpline is for LGBT+ people who have or are experiencing domestic abuse or for people supporting a survivor of domestic abuse; friends, families and those working with a survivor.

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999

Call the police on 999 if there’s an emergency. If your friend doesn't want to report things to the police and it's not an emergency, the domestic abuse services above can give information and support on that.

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