This theme highlights how a gap in age and maturity can allow a relationship to become manipulative very easily. Language can be used to make young people feel more mature, when in reality, they may be at an age where they are not fully emotionally developed.
Theme 3 - The power gap
(Barter et al (2009) Partner exploitation and violence in teenage relationships: NSPCC)
70%
Of girls who had a much older partner reported experiencing physical violence compared to 14% of girls with a same-age partner
It's hard to see when you're in it...
“I've had friends in the past who like...who've been like, in Brookes position with a bigger age gap it's all like online and that, oh, I've got a boyfriend who's older he treats me like I'm, I'm a real lady, and I'm, I'm mature. And, and then you look back, and you think that. Oh, my word, you were being groomed.” - Young person, 13-16 years
Excitement masks reality...
Some young people in the 13-16 age group gave examples of how having a casual or serious relationship with someone who is older would be something to boast about to people of a similar age. However, they also highlighted the opportunity for exploitation.
“Yeah…people who are 14, they, sort of have the bragging right, like, oh, I’m meeting somebody older. And they, sort of, feel like…valued, because someone older is talking to them. But…in reality, they’re probably just using them.” - Young person, 13-16 years
“Yeah…people who are 14, they, sort of have the bragging right, like, oh, I’m meeting somebody older. And they, sort of, feel like…valued, because someone older is talking to them. But…in reality, they’re probably just using them.” - Young person, 13-16 years
Survey of 641 young people aged 13-24 across England and Wales - August 2021
72%
Said they have been asked for nudes when chatting and linking with other young people online (32% 'very often' or 'often' and only 28% had never been asked for nudes).
How would you help a friend
going through this?
going through this?
These are all real stories as told to us by young people
- - Trigger warning - please be aware these stories are hard to read. - -
- - Trigger warning - please be aware these stories are hard to read. - -
When I was a teenager, my best friend started being being paid for sex by her boss. She was only 14 or 15 at the time and he was in his late 50s. We didn't really know what to do at the time and she was very confident and jokey about it. We didn't understand grooming as an idea. We didn't think to report it to the school as they had handled a previous safeguarding issue with this friend really badly... he hid her from his wife. He was paying her hundreds of pounds...
He distributes controlling behaviour... he limits her from being able to see her friends. She's also told me that he can be very aggressive and shout and throw things, though she's never told me he's sexually violent or physically violent.
While I have always told her that I'm here for her if she ever needs it, and while I have often expressed concern for her wellbeing, I have avoided criticising him or giving her any kind of ultimatum as I don't want this to lead to her being alienated or not having friends to go to.
...I am now very frustrated that the school didn't notice the signs of her being groomed (more money, missing school, acting out, overly sexual language and behaviour) when she had previously been very academic and 'well behaved'. I wish we had the understanding of grooming at the time, when we could have got parents or the police involved. Now it is too late as she is an adult.
He distributes controlling behaviour... he limits her from being able to see her friends. She's also told me that he can be very aggressive and shout and throw things, though she's never told me he's sexually violent or physically violent.
While I have always told her that I'm here for her if she ever needs it, and while I have often expressed concern for her wellbeing, I have avoided criticising him or giving her any kind of ultimatum as I don't want this to lead to her being alienated or not having friends to go to.
...I am now very frustrated that the school didn't notice the signs of her being groomed (more money, missing school, acting out, overly sexual language and behaviour) when she had previously been very academic and 'well behaved'. I wish we had the understanding of grooming at the time, when we could have got parents or the police involved. Now it is too late as she is an adult.
I've had friends in the past who like...who've been like, in Brookes position with a bigger age gap it's all like online and that, oh, I've got a boyfriend who's older he treats me like I'm, I'm a real lady, and I'm, I'm mature. And, and then you look back, and you think that. Oh, my word, you were being groomed
I was 13 and he was 17. He encouraged me to send explicit photographs. I thought we were in love and dating so went along with anything he wanted. After several months I found out he was actually dating another girl who was his age. He convinced me to continue sexually engaging with him in order to keep him around. This went on for three years.
He would make promises that he just wanted me and wouldn't date anyone else, I'd find out he'd been seeing another girl the whole time. When I'd bring the other girls up with him he'd make out that it was my fault and if I wasn't okay with it then I'd lose him. He'd been there for me through care and suicide attempts. I was worried about how I would cope on my own. If I tried to end things he would say that he'd changed and how much he needed me. But he never changed his behaviour to be faithful.
He would make promises that he just wanted me and wouldn't date anyone else, I'd find out he'd been seeing another girl the whole time. When I'd bring the other girls up with him he'd make out that it was my fault and if I wasn't okay with it then I'd lose him. He'd been there for me through care and suicide attempts. I was worried about how I would cope on my own. If I tried to end things he would say that he'd changed and how much he needed me. But he never changed his behaviour to be faithful.
I had a long distance relationship. I was 15 he was 17. It was fine until he started trying to convince me to send pictures of myself, telling me he'd keep asking until I did and saying that if he were with me in real life I wouldn't be able to stop him from getting what he wanted. I left him and he would always try to guilt trip me, manipulate my friends into hating me and trying to get into my accounts. Thankfully I've been rid of him for 2 years now with no more random appearances.
He knew me for my entire life. When I was fourteen he started making advances, he was five years older. I liked the attention, and went along with it, and my parents didn't mind because our families were friends. He bought me things and was so nice to me, but now and then he'd get angry. It would be little things like spilling a drink, he would start yelling and swearing. After he would pretend it never happened, and went back to being nice. It was unpredictable, I became terrified of doing the slightest thing wrong.
I'm a girl who is 16. I realised I didn't like boys while dating one - when I tried to break the news to him, he told me I was wrong, that maybe I liked girls, but I HAD to like boys because we had done "stuff"*. I was scared and he was a year and a half older than me, taller than me, and I honestly thought he would hurt me if I tried to leave, given the ways he had acted before (grabbing my wrists, pulling me about, he hit me a few times). It took me a really long time to get away from him, I dated him for nearly 2 years out of fear.
I was 14, he was 16. I had other friends outside of the relationship, and any time I didn't hang out with him, he'd get mad and say stuff like 'you love me right?'. So I'd hang out with him. He'd constantly ask to 'do stuff', and sometimes I just wasn't in the mood to do anything or at least I was uncomfortable, but if I said I didn't want to, he'd ignore me in his bedroom for hours, so I'd just sit there in silence until I gave in. He'd constantly pressure me saying things like 'don't you love me? then do it'.
When I was 16 I started to see a guy a few years older than me. He was well know in the area so everyone knew me as his lady. He used to buy me new phones and gifts. I had to go to a family funeral so he faked being in a car crash so I came home early. He told me people were after him as he owed them money, he knew I was saving for a school trip and asked me to loan my savings, he never repaid me. He got people to break into my house twice and stole a laptop. He used to threaten other male friends.
He asked me to send a picture of myself, saying I was pretty and I was boring and frigid if I didn't. He would say how ugly he was. He sent shirtless pictures of himself. I was 12, he was 15. I tried to make him feel better about himself, it made him angry so I stopped. He'd give me compliments. After a month I decided to block him. He made himself out to be someone I could turn to. He used me to make himself feel better. I haven't heard from him since. From his last message, he still thinks he did nothing wrong.
My first boyfriend tried to come on to me a lot and I'd say no (I'm a virgin and didn't feel ready). He kept being more needy and saying 'I'm just going to keep asking until you say 'yes'. I am in a wheelchair so I often felt uneasy because he would have to help me into my chair, so I wouldn't be able to move off the sofa if he didn't help. I always felt really vulnerable around him. We aren't together now. I realised I shouldn't feel uncomfortable around someone who was supposed to love me. I'm just glad he didn't do anything to me.
I had a boyfriend who was in my sports club. He wanted to do sexual things all the time. I had panic attacks. I was a year younger. He would say things to me like 'I can't wait until you're sixteen so we can have some fun'. He would touch me inappropriately in public such as grabbing my bum in front of other club members. I tried to move away, he pulled me back. He didn't like it when I asked him to slow down. It got so bad that my friend had to phone him and say it was over because I was too afraid.
My friends were really worried about me. He used to shout at me for hanging out with other boys and for not spending every minute of my time with him. I would be at the gym, leave and I would have 50 missed calls and alot of angry texts, even though I told him where I was.
He was 2 years older than me so was really strong and bigger than me. He used to be really mean to me but be really apologetic minutes later... It got to the point that I was scared to be around him. I stopped seeing my friends, stopped my hobbies, isolated myself at school and I was basically at his disposal. It finally ended when I found out he was having sex with other girls and I told my mum everything that was happening.
I don't think I was in an abusive relationship because people have it so much worse than I do. I just had no idea what to do. I was scared, worried and felt forced to push my friends away when I needed them the most. Life hasn't been the same since.
He was 2 years older than me so was really strong and bigger than me. He used to be really mean to me but be really apologetic minutes later... It got to the point that I was scared to be around him. I stopped seeing my friends, stopped my hobbies, isolated myself at school and I was basically at his disposal. It finally ended when I found out he was having sex with other girls and I told my mum everything that was happening.
I don't think I was in an abusive relationship because people have it so much worse than I do. I just had no idea what to do. I was scared, worried and felt forced to push my friends away when I needed them the most. Life hasn't been the same since.
I reached out to my best friend for advice on a situation which made me feel extremely uncomfortable and actually turned out to have traumatised me for years. I had been coerced into having sex and losing my virginity to a man much older than myself. He used no protection. This terrified me. I sought help and advice from my best friend who invalidated my experience as, from her perspective, sex wasn’t a big deal. I ended up continuing into a relationship with this man after being told it was my fault which then allowed room for the relationship to only become more toxic after that.
Survey of 641 young people aged 13-24 across England and Wales - August 2021
83%
Said damaging their friendship would ‘definitely’ or ‘maybe’ stop them talking to their friend about toxic or unhealthy relationships
Things to think about
These are just some of the many questions that might prompt answers:
- How might we help young people know what a power gap looks like?
- How might we help young people help their friends once they know there is a power gap?
- How might we reduce the power gap as soon as there are early red flags?
- How might we make it easier for young people to spot the signs of grooming?
- How might we help young people where to turn to when they see a power gap?
- How might we help friends safely exit a power gap relationship?
How might we...?
Survey of 641 young people aged 13-24 across England and Wales - August 2021
71%
Have seen, or have had a friend talk to them about behaviours that worry them in friends' relationships. This is even higher in young people aged 20-24 years (79%) and non-binary young people (78%).
What are we doing about this?
We're currently working with young people in England and Wales to explore these insights so that we can co-produce resources to tackle the problem. We'll then need your help to get them out into places where young people spend time, both offline and online.
As we learn and create, we'll keep updating this page so please do come back to see more.
If you want to get in touch to help with this theme please contact yourbestfriend@safelives.org.uk
#WhatWillWork #YourBestFriend
As we learn and create, we'll keep updating this page so please do come back to see more.
If you want to get in touch to help with this theme please contact yourbestfriend@safelives.org.uk
#WhatWillWork #YourBestFriend
Explore other themes
