Following on from Theme 5, this theme describes the difficulties for young people if they have to approach a friend about their relationship. Many confirmed this is not an easy conversation to have and raised concerns about harming their friendship or making the situation worse. Several young people also noted they had tried to advise a friend and it had not gone well. Young people in the 13-16 old groups seemed more nervous about intervening in these matters than those in older groups.
Theme 6 - Treading a fine line
Survey of 641 young people aged 13-24 across England and Wales - August 2021
45%
Said self-doubt would ‘definitely’ stop them talking to a friend
What if they just don't listen?
Some young people talked about their frustration at trying to help a friend if they do not listen to advice and felt there is nothing you can do unless that person is ready to leave. Several highlighted, what they saw as stubbornness, could lead to friendships breaking down. A few young people noted that a friend might genuinely feel there is nothing wrong with their relationship due to the normalisation of some behaviours and/or not understanding what constitutes a healthy versus unhealthy relationship.
“I have a friend which I think is in an abusive relationship but they don't think they are and that's, I think that's the worst situation possible because they just- they just think that this is normal and good for them…you can't really do anything about it. They'll just get offended if you tell them that this is domestic abuse that you are under.” - Young person, 13-16
Several young people implied that these situations are now so common there is, to some extent, compassion fatigue among young people around the subject.
“You can see, can’t you, why young people would get fed up if they’re hearing this constantly and they're still not trying to help themselves. But I think that’s the part of lack of education, then, as well around it, and the normalising it. Because that's when you think, when you've had enough, you've had enough…you walk away and then fed up of hearing it, sort of thing” - Young person, 17-19
“I have a friend which I think is in an abusive relationship but they don't think they are and that's, I think that's the worst situation possible because they just- they just think that this is normal and good for them…you can't really do anything about it. They'll just get offended if you tell them that this is domestic abuse that you are under.” - Young person, 13-16
Several young people implied that these situations are now so common there is, to some extent, compassion fatigue among young people around the subject.
“You can see, can’t you, why young people would get fed up if they’re hearing this constantly and they're still not trying to help themselves. But I think that’s the part of lack of education, then, as well around it, and the normalising it. Because that's when you think, when you've had enough, you've had enough…you walk away and then fed up of hearing it, sort of thing” - Young person, 17-19
What if things are made worse?
There was an uncertainty and worry that intervening could make things worse. There was also a fear that bringing it up could cause their friend to isolate even further.
“I wouldn't want Brooke to feel under pressure as it could make things worse and I also would be uncertain about intervening in someone else's personal business even if they are at risk” - Young person, 13-16
“She will say things like you don't know him like I do, you're just jealous, etc. Why can't you be happy for me?”
- Young person, 17-19
“I wouldn't want Brooke to feel under pressure as it could make things worse and I also would be uncertain about intervening in someone else's personal business even if they are at risk” - Young person, 13-16
“She will say things like you don't know him like I do, you're just jealous, etc. Why can't you be happy for me?”
- Young person, 17-19
What if friends become defensive?
Young people told us that the main problem is that friends become defensive if they feel their relationship and/or their partner are being criticised.
“It's always awkward. I think bringing it up to a friend that you think that partner is a bit controlling or... because you might think it's something when they might think it's... they're still in that stage like oh he's being... they're being protective”
- Young person, 20-24
Survey of 641 young people aged 13-24 across England and Wales - August 2021
30%
Said if their friend wouldn't listen it would definitely stop them talking to them and this was higher in black or minoritised young people than white British young people (39% vs 27%)
How would you help a friend
going through this?
going through this?
These are all real stories as told to us by young people
- - Trigger warning - please be aware these stories are hard to read. - -
- - Trigger warning - please be aware these stories are hard to read. - -
I have a friend which I think is in an abusive relationship but they don't think they are and that's, I think that's the worst situation possible because they just- they just think that this is normal and good for them…you can't really do anything about it. They'll just get offended if you tell them that this is domestic abuse that you are under.
In school, my best friend was dating a guy who slowly became what I considered emotionally abusive. They began dating and, at that time, they seemed okay. A year later, they were intimate and almost inseparable.
However, he would message other girls on Snapchat which we could all see through his best friends list. She always said this didn’t bother her but we knew it did. He started to become emotionally toxic... he would call the girls he was messaging 'fat, ugly, slags' to her face to please her but then continue to message them.
He eventually kissed one of them. However, she stayed with him as it was a ‘mistake’. I was worried to get involved because she’d be mad at me but he was walking all over her and doing whatever he liked... I told her he was manipulative and that she should ditch him but instead she just grew more paranoid, getting me to watch him at events... I gave up trying and our friendship has fallen apart. She is still dating him and I have no idea why. He is one of those people who isn’t outwardly nasty so gets away with it…
However, he would message other girls on Snapchat which we could all see through his best friends list. She always said this didn’t bother her but we knew it did. He started to become emotionally toxic... he would call the girls he was messaging 'fat, ugly, slags' to her face to please her but then continue to message them.
He eventually kissed one of them. However, she stayed with him as it was a ‘mistake’. I was worried to get involved because she’d be mad at me but he was walking all over her and doing whatever he liked... I told her he was manipulative and that she should ditch him but instead she just grew more paranoid, getting me to watch him at events... I gave up trying and our friendship has fallen apart. She is still dating him and I have no idea why. He is one of those people who isn’t outwardly nasty so gets away with it…
My best friend has been in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship for a couple of years now. We would have long conversations about him over the phone and over WhatsApp. I told her from day one he was a bad idea, I constantly told her she should leave and was worth better. But she just couldn’t pull herself out of it. I couldn’t understand what she could see in this man.
The hardest part for me was feeling so powerless. She would swear she was leaving him but be back the next week. I’ve found her crying on the stairs because he'd kicked doors off the hinges at home...
She would swear she was leaving all the time but the next week he would be back and then she would go silent. She wouldn't talk on the phone in front of him because she couldn’t be open and herself, and couldn’t answer questions about what had happened.
She would swear she was leaving all the time but the next week he would be back and then she would go silent. She wouldn't talk on the phone in front of him because she couldn’t be open and herself, and couldn’t answer questions about what had happened.
I could see her being harmed mentally but felt going to the police was over stepping the mark and could turn her against me. It was just a feeling of utter powerlessness. Seeing your friend be knocked down to the absolute depths of despair and not feeling able to help... I wish I had been able to do more or had more information on how to help before it got to this point.
The social worker told her she’s been in an abusive relationship and I think it took a social worker to tell her for it to really hit home. I told her all the time he was abusive, but he would get back in her head and gaslight her into believing it wasn’t abuse. He'd tell her that they were just as bad as each other and needed to work harder on the relationship.
...I almost feel guilty like a bystander. I’ll always wish I had the confidence to stand up and do more. Maybe if there was more support out there for “the friend” and that invisible front line more girls would be able to break their friends out of abusive relationships.
The social worker told her she’s been in an abusive relationship and I think it took a social worker to tell her for it to really hit home. I told her all the time he was abusive, but he would get back in her head and gaslight her into believing it wasn’t abuse. He'd tell her that they were just as bad as each other and needed to work harder on the relationship.
...I almost feel guilty like a bystander. I’ll always wish I had the confidence to stand up and do more. Maybe if there was more support out there for “the friend” and that invisible front line more girls would be able to break their friends out of abusive relationships.
One of my best friends from secondary school got into a relationship with a guy that was bad news. It was the first time she was introduced to a seriously scary and threatening environment where she felt (and I felt too) that she couldn’t get out of. This guy would take her out to places and then all of a sudden get into an argument with her and smash her face...she’s shared photos of bruises and wounds with me.
He was so controlling. He always wanted to know who she was speaking to and try to accuse her of cheating. He'd get angry and throw her phone into the RIVER, which she told no one about (but me). He hit her so hard one time he had to take her to the hospital ‘cause he freaked out. When he got there, he started screaming at her and drove off even though she was caught in the car door. He’d showed up at her house (her parents didn't know about her relationship) and would threaten her parents.
I really didn’t even know what to say to her when she told me she went back and he’d abused her again. I really saw it as her walking back into fire... this guy keeps trying to get to her. He puts his no caller ID on and will call LITERALLY 100 times and text her threats. It’s so bad that my friend tells me to regularly check her location to make sure she’s where she’s supposed to be and that he hasn’t kidnapped her.
I had a really close friend who started a relationship with a guy a couple years older online - they had never met. At first, it seemed okay and they seemed to be a really sweet couple.
After a few months they finally met up in person and things began to seem a little controlling. As their relationship continued to develop, me and our other friends commented on his controlling behaviours and she opened up to me about some of the things he said to her. At this point we all thought she needed to leave him, especially as he was 18 and she 16. She wouldn't listen to me and kept telling him everything we said about him.
He became so controlling to the point where he asked her to distance herself from me as I seemed too "lesbian", even though we had been best friends since we were little. She began distancing herself from all her friends and it became really hard for me to talk to her. It was so frustrating as a friend seeing her going back to him everytime I tried to help her. This is still ongoing, except she has "friend broken up" with me. It's been so frustrating watching her become a shell of her old self because of him and trying my hardest to help her and be there for her and lose my friend in the process.”
After a few months they finally met up in person and things began to seem a little controlling. As their relationship continued to develop, me and our other friends commented on his controlling behaviours and she opened up to me about some of the things he said to her. At this point we all thought she needed to leave him, especially as he was 18 and she 16. She wouldn't listen to me and kept telling him everything we said about him.
He became so controlling to the point where he asked her to distance herself from me as I seemed too "lesbian", even though we had been best friends since we were little. She began distancing herself from all her friends and it became really hard for me to talk to her. It was so frustrating as a friend seeing her going back to him everytime I tried to help her. This is still ongoing, except she has "friend broken up" with me. It's been so frustrating watching her become a shell of her old self because of him and trying my hardest to help her and be there for her and lose my friend in the process.”
My friend was dating a guy who would coerce her into doing drugs and put her down so her mental health suffered. She really liked him and saw the red flags but chose to ignore them. I tried to convince her to leave him but she wouldn't listen and I didn't even see telling her family as an option. Luckily he moved away but I didn't/don't know how to get a friend out.
My friend is in a toxic relationship. All the signs are there... She has told stories of being pressured into sex, of him managing her birth control, not respecting boundaries, lots of arguing, and being coercive. However, she has become increasingly hard to talk to. She herself has become volatile and difficult to support. She has become manipulative to us as her friends, and often blows small things into massive arguments, or tries to control us... it puts us all in a very difficult position. She is very hard to get through to. She acknowledges he is not great but just says "its not forever", yet still continues to stay with him.
I have experienced a toxic and controlling relationship which stopped me being independent, I had to keep getting rid of friends, sacrificed my dream sixth form because he wanted me to go to the one they signed up for and often hurt/shouted at me. It got to the point my friends were worried and my boyfriend would find any excuse for me to get rid of friends that "opposed his control" and it got worse and worse, eventually I only had my two best friends (who I had to hang out with in secret from him)...
I reached out to my best friend for advice on a situation which made me feel extremely uncomfortable and actually turned out to have traumatised me for years. I had been coerced into having sex and losing my virginity to a man much older than myself. He used no protection. This terrified me. I sort help and advice from my best friend who invalidated my experience as, from her perspective, sex wasn’t a big deal. I ended up continuing into a relationship with this man after being told it was my fault which then allowed room for the relationship to only become more toxic after that.
49%
Said damaging their friendship would ‘definitely’ stop them talking to their friend about toxic or unhealthy relationships
Survey of 641 young people aged 13-24 across England and Wales - August 2021
vs
11%
22%
22% of minoritised young people vs 11% of white British said being worried about their own safety would definitely stop them talking to a friend
These are just some of the many questions that might prompt answers:
- How might we help friends start a conversation with the friend they're worried about?
- How might we help friends who feel like their intervention hasn't worked?
- How might we inspire friends to seek professional help sooner?
- How might we help friends know what to confidently do if things go wrong?
How might we...?
Things to think about
38%
Said fear would ‘definitely’ stop
them talking to a friend
them talking to a friend
Survey of 641 young people aged 13-24 across England and Wales - August 2021
Non-binary young people were more likely to say self-doubt would definitely stop them than cisgender young people (56% vs 44%)
vs
44%
56%
What are we doing about this?
We're currently working with young people in England and Wales to explore these insights so that we can co-produce resources to tackle the problem. We'll then need your help to get them out into places where young people spend time, both offline and online.
As we learn and create, we'll keep updating this page so please do come back to see more.
If you want to get in touch to help with this theme please contact yourbestfriend@safelives.org.uk
#WhatWillWork #YourBestFriend
As we learn and create, we'll keep updating this page so please do come back to see more.
If you want to get in touch to help with this theme please contact yourbestfriend@safelives.org.uk
#WhatWillWork #YourBestFriend
Explore other themes
